it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
