I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
