i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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