Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
