My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
