you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
