Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
