Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
