I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
