Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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