Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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