I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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