wanna go halves on a baby?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
