If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
