Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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