my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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