glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
