if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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