I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
