you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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