Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
