I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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