This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
