So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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