i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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