i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
