I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
