omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
