alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
