i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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