I want to have your abortion
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
