as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
