He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
