One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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