hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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