the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
