I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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