apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
