last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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