You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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