he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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