I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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