I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
