I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
