Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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