I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
