the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
