I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
