just tell him i said nine months
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
