I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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