saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
