I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
