On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
