I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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