so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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